Matt, many of us who are pastors in the United Church of Christ our frustrated with a similar challenge. Congregations say they are LGBTQ+ affirming, but don't want the attention of a rainbow flag. Or treat their lesbian pastor poorly. Or won't use the right pronouns. I think a number of churches became Welcoming churches when marriage equality happened and it felt more acceptable. But the conversation has shifted and congregations have not kept up. They are still stuck thinking about gays and lesbians, and not wrapping their minds around nonbinary or trans, and especially not polyamory. It is sad and frustrating but I remain hopeful. I'm old enough to have attended the General Synod where the UCC voted to ordain LGBTQ+ people, and officiated at my first Holy Union ceremony in 2000. My seminary cohort had to be in the closet if they were gay. Now I facilitate a new clergy group starting ministry, and the majority or LGBTQ+, which feels like a stunning transformation. I'm the only straight white male in the room. I hope this doesn't feel like I'm diminishing the real pain felt because of conditional acceptance. You are spot on. Progress is frustratingly slow in church.
My heart broke for you and other clergy who have been so discriminated against by a church that claims to be an ally. You have opened my eyes in regard to the Episcopal Church. I am not Episcopalian but certainly will never be after your heartfelt expose. Sending so much love and so many heartfelt prayers your way.
I am so sorry for your experience as a priest in The Episcopal Church. Since I met you at Wild Goose in 2015, I have been continuing my own evolution of sexual and theological perspectives. One experience that continued to open my heart and mind was a class that I took during the pandemic on zoom entitled “Sinless Sex”, Exploring the realities found in the book of the same name by the author, William R Stayton—a sexologist and theologian. I commend it to you and to all still open to evolving within the Spirit freeing and empowering us to “love God, and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves” in all the rich varieties of our humanity. Peace!
Thank you for mentioning Stayton. I'm looking forward to checking out his work. I've done workshops on liberative queer sexual ethics at Wild Goose going on my third year this coming July. Always glad to see who has been doing the work for a while!
I was raised in the RC church and left when I was in my late teens because I realized I was gay. I went to the Episcopal Church in my 20s when I was soul searching. I was really naive and so I was shocked to learn how dysfunctional the Episcopal church is. They accepted me being gay but were so ignorant and hurtful on so many other issues like mental health, disability and pastoral care. I never saw such self centered and toxic behavior. I thought it was just this ONE church so I went to 3 more and all the same thing. It was like everyone had free reign to do whatever they wanted in terms of how they conducted themselves and most of time it was not very Christ-like. But of course they would march in the pride parades and take a liberal and progressive stance on most issues like gun control, abortion and gay marriage. In my whole journey I met a few parishioners that were nice and friendly but most of time staff and clergy were awful. A friend of mine said that the PCUSA church where she went was pretty much the same and said most institutions are corrupt and lacking in a lot of areas so it doesn't matter what church you go to...the way we do church is extremely flawed. We need to revise and rebuild what we call church and what we do there and who is in leadership roles.
So, wolves in sheep's clothing? That's just wrong. There is no justice for those who are "other than." I am so sorrry. Church should not be this painful.
I belong to an Episcopal church who flies our flag every day of the year. My church also says out loud at the beginning of every service that our church welcomes all people no matter whom they love God knows and loves us by name.
That said Mathew David this concept is that our priests who are gay have to be celibate is absurd. Also no acknowledgment that there are other relationships that are equally important have to be forbidden. I find this abhorrent. Thank-you for telling me this. It’s important for all of us to know
Where is a true, authentic spiritual home to be found?! This is the aching question that burns in me...Thanx for these lines, though they make me desperate.
Thanks for the info shared here….I did not know any of this. Such a shame that mainstream churches can’t just let Love be whatever it is without the imposed restrictions and judgement. Good to hear from you 🤗
Thank you for sharing this. As an ally, I have been thinking about going to an episcopal church in my area, but I might think twice about this. Love you Matt!!!
Matt, I just stumbled upon your writing after learning and commenting upon yet another priest friend of mine who has been banned from being a priest in the Episcopal Church for polymorphism. I’ve been thinking about change and how change happens. When women wanted to be priests, I believe they found someone to ordain them in the Episcopal Church, or did the church have to approve this move first? Change comes excruciatingly slowly to churches, but I wonder how this change can occur from within if those who desire change are shut out? Yes, our churches are dying. Maybe we need to look at the words we profess to believe in, “to love everyone equally,” as Jesus did. I don’t know how we can move on if we’re causing so much pain.
We are a lot more welcoming in Unitarian Universalist Universalist congregations, where we've been doing this stuff for longer than most, if not all, US faith traditions. I'm pan and it's been pretty easy, with unconditional support from colleagues and only a few church members expressing their discomfort, and finding that it didn't gain traction with others. However, I know trans and poly ministers face more resistance.
Thank you for sharing this, Matt. For the first time, I am organizing our Pride tent for our EC this year. I have been anxious about how to present ourselves, and I am so grateful for this post. People will come by our tent as they do every year and say how shocked they are to see us there, but I know behind closed doors what our policies have been towards trans kids at our church. And I want to protect a community that is already inherently vulnerable and a community that rarely has a safe space--a space we are putting ourselves in for the sake of patting our own backs. This has given me a lot to think about before our event in two weeks and again, I want to thank you so much. I look forward to learning more from you.
Yep. Met a clergy person who was removed because they "allowed" their spouse to have their other partner--and the child of the spouse and the other partner--to live with them. AND the United Methodist Church codified monogamy and "fidelity" shortly after taking prohibitive language out of the Book of Discipline. No affirmation or celebration. Just removed the bad language. And codified monogamy. I wrote about witnessing that moment here: https://joncarllewis.substack.com/p/surprise-elation-and-dismay.
I love you. I affirm you. I'm grateful for your witness and using your voice to speak truth to power.
Matt, many of us who are pastors in the United Church of Christ our frustrated with a similar challenge. Congregations say they are LGBTQ+ affirming, but don't want the attention of a rainbow flag. Or treat their lesbian pastor poorly. Or won't use the right pronouns. I think a number of churches became Welcoming churches when marriage equality happened and it felt more acceptable. But the conversation has shifted and congregations have not kept up. They are still stuck thinking about gays and lesbians, and not wrapping their minds around nonbinary or trans, and especially not polyamory. It is sad and frustrating but I remain hopeful. I'm old enough to have attended the General Synod where the UCC voted to ordain LGBTQ+ people, and officiated at my first Holy Union ceremony in 2000. My seminary cohort had to be in the closet if they were gay. Now I facilitate a new clergy group starting ministry, and the majority or LGBTQ+, which feels like a stunning transformation. I'm the only straight white male in the room. I hope this doesn't feel like I'm diminishing the real pain felt because of conditional acceptance. You are spot on. Progress is frustratingly slow in church.
My heart broke for you and other clergy who have been so discriminated against by a church that claims to be an ally. You have opened my eyes in regard to the Episcopal Church. I am not Episcopalian but certainly will never be after your heartfelt expose. Sending so much love and so many heartfelt prayers your way.
I am so sorry for your experience as a priest in The Episcopal Church. Since I met you at Wild Goose in 2015, I have been continuing my own evolution of sexual and theological perspectives. One experience that continued to open my heart and mind was a class that I took during the pandemic on zoom entitled “Sinless Sex”, Exploring the realities found in the book of the same name by the author, William R Stayton—a sexologist and theologian. I commend it to you and to all still open to evolving within the Spirit freeing and empowering us to “love God, and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves” in all the rich varieties of our humanity. Peace!
Thank you for mentioning Stayton. I'm looking forward to checking out his work. I've done workshops on liberative queer sexual ethics at Wild Goose going on my third year this coming July. Always glad to see who has been doing the work for a while!
I was raised in the RC church and left when I was in my late teens because I realized I was gay. I went to the Episcopal Church in my 20s when I was soul searching. I was really naive and so I was shocked to learn how dysfunctional the Episcopal church is. They accepted me being gay but were so ignorant and hurtful on so many other issues like mental health, disability and pastoral care. I never saw such self centered and toxic behavior. I thought it was just this ONE church so I went to 3 more and all the same thing. It was like everyone had free reign to do whatever they wanted in terms of how they conducted themselves and most of time it was not very Christ-like. But of course they would march in the pride parades and take a liberal and progressive stance on most issues like gun control, abortion and gay marriage. In my whole journey I met a few parishioners that were nice and friendly but most of time staff and clergy were awful. A friend of mine said that the PCUSA church where she went was pretty much the same and said most institutions are corrupt and lacking in a lot of areas so it doesn't matter what church you go to...the way we do church is extremely flawed. We need to revise and rebuild what we call church and what we do there and who is in leadership roles.
Always teaching and ministering us in Love and Truth 💛🌟
So, wolves in sheep's clothing? That's just wrong. There is no justice for those who are "other than." I am so sorrry. Church should not be this painful.
I belong to an Episcopal church who flies our flag every day of the year. My church also says out loud at the beginning of every service that our church welcomes all people no matter whom they love God knows and loves us by name.
That said Mathew David this concept is that our priests who are gay have to be celibate is absurd. Also no acknowledgment that there are other relationships that are equally important have to be forbidden. I find this abhorrent. Thank-you for telling me this. It’s important for all of us to know
Where is a true, authentic spiritual home to be found?! This is the aching question that burns in me...Thanx for these lines, though they make me desperate.
I agree! It's so hard to find a safe place.
Thanks for the info shared here….I did not know any of this. Such a shame that mainstream churches can’t just let Love be whatever it is without the imposed restrictions and judgement. Good to hear from you 🤗
Thank you for sharing this. As an ally, I have been thinking about going to an episcopal church in my area, but I might think twice about this. Love you Matt!!!
Matt, I just stumbled upon your writing after learning and commenting upon yet another priest friend of mine who has been banned from being a priest in the Episcopal Church for polymorphism. I’ve been thinking about change and how change happens. When women wanted to be priests, I believe they found someone to ordain them in the Episcopal Church, or did the church have to approve this move first? Change comes excruciatingly slowly to churches, but I wonder how this change can occur from within if those who desire change are shut out? Yes, our churches are dying. Maybe we need to look at the words we profess to believe in, “to love everyone equally,” as Jesus did. I don’t know how we can move on if we’re causing so much pain.
If TEC actually wrote this in the fine print that would be a step toward transparency.
I'm so sorry you've had this experience.
We are a lot more welcoming in Unitarian Universalist Universalist congregations, where we've been doing this stuff for longer than most, if not all, US faith traditions. I'm pan and it's been pretty easy, with unconditional support from colleagues and only a few church members expressing their discomfort, and finding that it didn't gain traction with others. However, I know trans and poly ministers face more resistance.
Thank you for sharing this, Matt. For the first time, I am organizing our Pride tent for our EC this year. I have been anxious about how to present ourselves, and I am so grateful for this post. People will come by our tent as they do every year and say how shocked they are to see us there, but I know behind closed doors what our policies have been towards trans kids at our church. And I want to protect a community that is already inherently vulnerable and a community that rarely has a safe space--a space we are putting ourselves in for the sake of patting our own backs. This has given me a lot to think about before our event in two weeks and again, I want to thank you so much. I look forward to learning more from you.
Yep. Met a clergy person who was removed because they "allowed" their spouse to have their other partner--and the child of the spouse and the other partner--to live with them. AND the United Methodist Church codified monogamy and "fidelity" shortly after taking prohibitive language out of the Book of Discipline. No affirmation or celebration. Just removed the bad language. And codified monogamy. I wrote about witnessing that moment here: https://joncarllewis.substack.com/p/surprise-elation-and-dismay.